Nellie Maurine Bennion

“When dark clouds of trouble hang o’er us

and threaten our peace to destroy, 

there is hope shining brightly before us 

and we know that deliv'rance is nigh”

Part I. The Pregnancy

Glory be to God!! Another one of His children has entered the world. I feel like I could never be grateful enough. My heart is in awe.

What an uncertain year for my family and eventually the entire world. Her birth occurred during the pandemic of 2020, a strange period of world history that she will be able to tell her posterity about.

Our uncertain year started with the beginnings of Riverbend Family Dental in Meridian, Idaho - my husband’s start-up dental practice that he has poured everything into. A startup is no joke and getting things going took so much effort, stress, and prayer. Last winter, spring, and summer things were tight and it was hard to see beyond getting the business stronger so the decision to have another baby (and number 5 at that!) came much slower and took many times the faith required to have our other children, but beautifully it came! We got pregnant quickly in July and tears of joy and hope and a little trepidation were mutually shed as I shared the news with Christian at the dining room table.

I had a hypothesis that nausea with my boy pregnancies started and ended a little earlier and the girls later and lasted longer. When my morning sickness started on the early timeframe I thought it was a boy so I was surprised when our gender reveal cake revealed a pink rattle inside! We were very excited for another girl.

First trimester came and went with frequent feelings of wanting to cry and throw up, but like with the others I never actually did throw up and I survived, homeschooling even, by simplifying our schedule and staying on the couch as much as possible. By Christmas the business was getting much stronger and the stress was easing. We also started exploring moving into a new house since the temporary rental we were in would not be ideal for five kids and even with Marie Kondo-ing our possessions before we moved from El Paso, the space was tight. By February we had found a new home and were very excited. The move-in date would be April 1, only two weeks before the baby’s due date but we preferred to be in the new house before she came and I was determined to just make it happen!

On our drive to Utah for Christmas Christian and I went through names we liked. Family or spiritual meaning is important to me so my husband brought up his grandma and great-grandma’s name Nellie. I wasn’t sure about it right away but I pondered on it. I had led the name choosing with the other kids so I wanted to be more open this time around. When we were at my in-law’s house we learned about some newly-discovered letters from and about Nellie Kelley, my MIL’s mom who died when she was only four. When I held a letter written by Nellie in my hand and my eyes passed over her signature at the bottom, the Spirit swept over me. This name was special and along with knowing how much my MIL loved it, it rose to the top of our list. It felt so right. Lying in bed one morning I was trying to think of a middle name to go with it - it was tricky to find one that sounded right. Finally, Maurine (my grandma’s name) popped into my mind - it worked! When I realized the baby was due a day after Grandma Maurine’s birthday, it stuck. It was meant to be.

Nellie Belle Engle,
Christian's gr-grandma

         

Nellie Engle Kelley, Christian's grandma 

who died before he was born

Maurine Hull Johnson, my grandma 

Back in Idaho, my next decision was where to deliver. I was seeing nurse midwives in the hospital, but my dream was to have a baby at a birth center. My husband and I hate the exhausting nights in the hospital and all the hoops you have to jump through to be released so the thought that we could leave a few hours after delivery sounded like a dream. Also, the thought of being surrounded by supportive women who embrace and are highly experienced in natural births was so confidence-inspiring. After having some friends tell me their positive experience with Treasure Valley Midwives (and after watching a beautiful birth video of someone delivering there) and realizing the center was covered by Tricare and the co-pay was even cheaper than the hospital I decided to see it for myself. My husband was all for it but I went with a prayer in my heart since there were still normal fears involved with having a baby outside of a hospital. Right off, I felt so seen and appreciated by even the front desk. All the interactions were generally warmer than the hospital. They give you plenty of time to talk and ask questions during appointments which builds trust. I learned of their close and trusting relationship with the hospital which was down the street (they even help train resident OB’s), their very successful and transparent stats for hospital transfers and mother/baby health, but most importantly, when I was shown the main, cozy, home-like birth room the Spirit spoke to me, “this is a holy place.” I left feeling at peace. Further strengthening my confidence was re-reading classics like Ina May’s "Guide to Childbirth" and remembering how natural of a bodily process it is to give birth. I thought of my foremothers who through my family history research I knew delivered successfully as a part of life and who trusted in God and their bodies which He created. I received spiritual assurance He would be with me and I trusted Him.

Second trimester felt great and before I knew it, third trimester was here. The third trimester was the most challenging of any pregnancy so far. It was one thing after another - debilitating back muscle injury, influenza which despite the shot this year, swept through everyone except my husband. Having to take medicine for it was stressful, compounding things with the fact that I got a severe sinus infection which gave me intense, debilitating migraines every morning for over a week until I relented and took an antibiotic which finally kicked it. To finish off the trimester I got a stomach bug and then in the last few weeks uncomfortable pelvic floor pressure, intense round-ligament pain and attacks of lightning crotch which made packing and moving challenging. I was ready to get that baby out of me!

38 weeks 6 days, 1 1/2 days before birth

Part II. The Delivery

March started out fine but like we all know, very soon our world turned upside-down. The weight of the pandemic began to drain the joy out of moving to our new home and coming baby. The fun plans changed like no birth photographer or baby shower but worst-case scenarios kept me up at night: the economic impact to our family, what would happen if I got sick and they had to take my baby away from me at birth, or if my husband couldn’t be there. My pregnancy insomnia worsened the week before the move and I found myself crying over my fears. To cope I tried remembering that as much as I worried about the worst-cases, the fine, good and best-case scenarios were more likely. I remembered that a unique human being was joining our family, a child of God and He had a plan for her. I could not let my fears overshadow the joy of her arrival. I kept holding on to hope through positive affirmations and the Spirit. I put a picture of my gr-gr grandmothers as my phone lock screen. I remembered how they birthed many babies in very stressful, trying times, even pandemics. I could do it too.

Early Monday morning April 6th I woke up at my usual insomnia time of 3 am with significantly stronger Braxton Hicks/weak contractions. I got excited. Was this it? I got up and showered and blow dried my hair just in case I couldn’t get to those things later. Things felt different but they didn’t feel like it was go time, so I finally got back to sleep. In the morning things hadn’t progressed. They still felt stronger than BH but too weak and irregular (every 8-20 minutes) to be active labor. I let my husband know I’d alert him if things changed and he went to the office. I tried to follow the advice to ignore it until I couldn’t anymore so I slowly and gently did laundry, upacked a few things, monitored the kids, made dinner, and tried to rest my aching ligaments by lying down. Although sitting exacerbated my ligament pain which made walking around the house very uncomfortable, staying on my feet and walking longer distances felt fine so I suggested a family walk after dinner, knowing it might help strengthen my contractions too. We walked over a mile in our new neighborhood and it felt so good to get fresh air and move, and it definitely got things progressing! Through the walk contractions strengthened but I could still talk and walk slowly through them. By the time we put the kids to bed I knew this could be it! It was starting to feel like early labor in my past pregnancies which usually meant the baby would be here in 6-9 hours. I packed my bag and took a bath, making my calls to let people know what was likely coming. I was excited and anxious but after Christian gave me a Priesthood blessing I was able to sleep for about an hour before I woke up around midnight.

Surprisingly, I’d never labored in the middle of the night before. I was tired, overwhelmed with what was coming, and a little scared to feel alone. I wanted my husband to sleep as much as he could, I didn’t have a doula this time and it felt too soon to go to the birth center so I’d be laboring in the dark by myself for awhile. What helped me was taking one contraction at a time and remembering those angel foremothers with me, specifically my two gr-gr grandmas who are sisters, one being a midwife. A third great-grandmother I recently learned delivered over 1,000 babies, so I knew her comfort and expertise could be there too. At the time those women were delivering babies in the intermountain west, professional medical care was scarce and faith was sometimes all they had, fortified and powerful out of necessity. Those women, with the blessing of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, administered consecrated oil and blessed the bodies of women in labor. They did it not through Priesthood authority but through their faith in Christ. They were holy women and exercised their spiritual gift of healing, of which I admire greatly (see more info here and here). I have (and you all do too) millions of foremothers in your family tree who all labored through the valley of the shadow of death through having babies without pain medication so I knew I wasn’t alone. They understood me, my Savior and Heavenly Parents understood me perfectly and my Heavenly Mother was my perfect model.

My second gr-grandmas Hattie Thomas and Lizzy Harker, sisters

My third gr-grandma Mariah Hadlond Thomas who delivered over 1,000 babies

"In Her Image" by The Color Amber

I kept having to go to the bathroom (that baby was so low the pressure was crazy!), I used my birth ball a lot for comfort and I laid on my side. I tried to hold off on timing contractions but I eventually wanted to see my progress. I was 5, then 6 minutes apart but then I’d jump up to 7 and 8 minutes apart. I eventually told Christian maybe we could go to the birth center since they’d have good comfort measures there even though I didn’t feel like I was progressing as steadily as I normally do. He suggested waiting half an hour but after half an hour I felt like I could go another half hour. Slowly they got more intense. Usually I get to the point I have to moan through them and then I know we should head to the hospital in the next hour or so. I finally got to that point but since I wasn’t consistently 4-5 minutes apart I didn’t feel a huge rush to leave. Around 3:15 am a strong contraction took hold while I was side-lying on the bed. Just as it started to build I felt a pop and a gush of fluid.

“My water broke!” I cried. “Oh no, now it’s going to get hard!,” I lamented out loud.

My husband rushed for a towel and then when the contraction ended I went to the bathroom where I felt a little shaky. When the next contraction took hold I hung onto Christian and more amniotic fluid came out.

“We need to hurry.” I said.

He felt the urgency and called to let the midwife know we were on our way and alerted the friend coming to stay while the kids slept. Within 15 minutes from water breaking we were in the car, driving quickly to the birth center downtown - 24 minutes away. As we drove away I put in my headphones and listened to Bridget Teyler’s affirmations. It was so calming and helped me cope well while we drove even through the very uncomfortable bumps and turns. I’ve never had my water break on its own except a small trickle once, so it felt like quite the dramatic experience, especially since it kept gushing out even in the car 🙈. I felt a little more pushy by the time we got there but actual pushing wasn’t on my mind. We walked in the birth center and they had the tub all filled up for me. I had wanted to try going through transition in the tub so I pulled my hair up to get in but the midwife first wanted to check to make sure baby was head down. I laid down and she felt my abdomen but then another contraction took hold. By the end of it I was vocalizing pushing sounds.

“I’m starting to feel like pushing.”

“I can tell, I hear it!” the midwife replied. I guess I wasn’t getting in the tub anymore! By that point I think the midwives were realizing this was going to be fast and furious. Very soon the next contraction hit with a pushing power beyond my control. I have always been a little envious of women who feel the intense urge to push because it can be so much more satisfying and less painful. I never have felt that so I’ve always chosen to push on my own volition which feels a little scary and overwhelming to me, not to mention the fact that there's nothing to distract you from the ring of fire at the end! This time my body was literally doing it on its own.

“I’m pushing!!” I cried out as I laid on my side (a position I liked with Everett that I feel helped me avoid tearing) and another surge took over. “Can you see anything yet??” I asked when it was over.

“Not yet,” they replied, but quickly I was pushing again, with help to support my shaky leg.

Baby then began crowning and I mentally told myself like I did at Everett’s birth, “You’re not going to split in half, just go for it!” But I didn’t need a whole lot of self-talk because the pushing sensations overpowered the crowning sensations. It was SO much easier and exciting and satisfying to push that baby out! “Is she out yet??” I asked.

"Her head is out!" they told me. The contraction ended and I asked if I should try to push the rest of her out but they said I could wait until the next contraction if I wanted. Ha, Nellie just hung out there, even squinting when my husband briefly turned up the light. They suggested I move to my hands and knees and then the next surge took over and the rest of her tiny 6 lb 15 oz. body came out and was below me. Nine minutes after getting to the birth center she was here!

It was a rush of joy and amazement at how fast it all went. The midwives were so complimentary of the honor it was for them to witness it. They helped clean me up, gave us some alone time, then came in and did the vitals and some newborn tests so I wouldn’t have to come in for a few days. Normally they do home visits for the first couple months after birth but unfortunately that was on hold during the pandemic and I would need to come in.

Two hours later, as the sun was beginning to rise, we buckled baby in the carseat and got in the car to drive home with a huge pink moon on the horizon. It was surreal and exciting to be going home so soon. Looking back it’s a tender mercy that in this crazy time with extra hospital policies in place and fears of covid germs, I didn’t have to enter one at all. A little after 7 am the kids started waking up and coming downstairs one by one like Christmas morning to see their new little present!

Nellie Maurine is so beautiful I almost don’t feel worthy to be her mother. She is beyond what I ever hoped for. What a tiny, exquisite miracle! Whatever comes our way in this world, hope and light is always there. It is in what God gives us - light of a new day, the hope of Spring, His Son Jesus Christ and His resurrection, new life, and hope for our own Sunday mornings to come. God is so good and though many are worried and suffering, He has not forsaken us. His hope is there. He is holding us and reaching out for us through it all. He is strengthening and gathering His children through these trials of the last days. It is reason to rejoice.

Everett Miles Bennion

Everett Miles Bennion

June 8, 2017

2:57 pm

7.08 lbs

19 1/2 in

My baby is here! Nine months of anticipating, thinking throughout the day - every day - about my baby and changing body. Wondering, hoping, praying, waiting - it finally comes to fruition. It is beautiful! A miracle! The Spirit confirms to me that birth is a sacred and beautifully essential part of the Plan of Salvation.

At my 38 week appointment, the midwife measured me at only 34 weeks (and at 36 weeks I had measured at 34) so she ordered an ultrasound growth scan just to make sure baby was growing all right. I was getting paranoid because I thought I might look a little smaller than I did during other pregnancies at this point and when people always say, “You look so small!” It made me self-conscious that baby is too small too. Well, they did the scan and the umbilical cord blood flow looked beautiful and baby was estimated to weigh 8-8.5 lbs.  Whoa! That would be a huge baby for me since all my others were low to mid 7 lbs range. I thought the baby probably would be closer in size to my others since the margin of error in ultrasound weight estimates is +/- 1 lb.  I suspected the baby was super low (and they confirmed that), contributing to me looking smaller on the outside. After that ultrasound, my fears were resolved and now it was just a waiting game for actual labor!

38 weeks 5 days

My due date was June 13. The morning of June 7th, I woke up extra early (as I had an extra early bedtime the night before) and thought I’d take advantage of the early wake-up by going on a walk. I had enough time to go longer than my normal .75 mile route, so I briskly walked a mile and a half. Afterwards my Braxton Hicks (BH) contractions which had been very mild up to that point felt more noticeable. I dropped the kids off at a friend’s house and headed to my 39 week (and 1 day) appointment. When there, the midwife asked if I wanted to have my cervix checked and I agreed readily since it would be my first check and it’s always interesting to know how your body is progressing. I was 3-3.5 cm dilated and 75-80% effaced, very soft and stretchy with bloody show upon being checked and a significant amount immediately afterwards. The midwife commented that I was very ready. She said she was surprised the baby was so low - as low as first-time moms - which to me explained all the lower pelvic nerve pain I’d been experiencing the last trimester. She said she expected to have me deliver any day now - so I was thinking it would happen this week. The rest of the day I felt more crampy and sensitive to getting stronger BH, especially triggered by lifting a child or more movement. By the evening I noticed fresh mucousy bloody-show and I started realizing this could be early labor and that maybe a baby would be here in the next day or two! I was excited but also filled with a little anxiety. I hadn’t cleaned my bathroom yet! :) I decided to take a cool bath in our big tub because it would feel nice especially in our hot, non-air conditioned house in upper 90-degree weather (the AC had gone out two days earlier and still wasn't fixed). However, I realized I needed to wipe the tub down first, so like “If you Give a Mouse a Cookie” I didn’t stop until the entire bathroom floor and countertops were wiped down. I felt like a frantic, nesting pregnant woman - because I was! I think my body knew the time was coming. Finally, I tried to relax and take a bath. I texted my doula my condition that evening and she suggested that by morning I’d know if this was the real deal or it would die down. I called my mom and broke the news that I could be going into labor (she was supposed to arrive on Friday afternoon and it was Wednesday night). That was disappointing because I really wanted her with me. But I reminded myself of my affirmation that, “my baby is coming to meet me at exactly the right moment in exactly the right way.”

I went to bed that night moody because I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by what seemed to be my precipitating labor. I was very excited for it to happen, but having a baby is such an intense and powerful experience, I felt overwhelmed by thinking it could be so soon. I also felt moody because if it didn’t become real overnight, I’d have to endure a long day the next day with Christian leaving at 7 am and not coming home until after 9 pm because of an evening moonlight job. I also had lots of little things to finish to get ready for my mom coming, AND our AC was supposed to be fixed by now and it wasn't. :( Thankfully I was able to go to sleep despite my bad mood around 10:15 or so. I woke up at 4 am which is usually when I’ve been waking up this last trimester to go to the bathroom. My first thought was - oh I feel pretty normal, looks like things have died down. That’s good news for my mom. But then I felt a contraction that was real. Still relatively mild and irregular timing (8-12 min apart), but definitely not crampy BH anymore. Christian was awake and couldn’t go back to sleep either after he realized I was probably really going into labor! After a while I got up to finish packing my hospital bag and by 6 am, the contractions continued every 4-6 minutes at mild-moderate intensity, 30-50 seconds long but not getting consistently stronger. We realized that this was it! I began to realize I would need Christian with me all day and so he began getting his day of work covered for him, however, he had to run some errands first. I gave him the go-ahead and he left, promising to be home in a couple hours. While he was gone contractions got to the intensity where I wanted to sit on the birth ball during each one to relax. Even though they seemed to spread out in spacing a little they were gradually getting stronger and longer. Thankfully the kids slept in pretty late so I focused on getting a good breakfast of cereal, yogurt and fruit and staying relaxed. When Evelyn woke up at 7:30 I got her breakfast and then a little after 8:00 a.m. Christian got home. I now retreated to my room to focus and relax more deeply. The contractions continued increasing in intensity, about 6-8 minutes apart. By 9:00 a.m. I told my doula I was ready for her to come. I was a little concerned I’d tell her to come over too early and she wouldn’t be of as much help for me yet, but she told me she’d be an hour away so it gave me some more time to progress. Christian gave me a comforting priesthood blessing and not long after, Amy McCoy, my doula with Sun City Doulas arrived at our house around 10 a.m. I was glad to see her. I wanted to have another natural birth (it would be my third unmedicated birth) and I knew a doula would give me the added confidence and assurance to overcome my fears.

Relaxing during a contraction. Rebozo blanket resting on my belly.

Really, the timing for everything flowed so perfectly. When Amy got there I was able to talk pretty normally to her in-between contractions but during them I had to tune out and relax. Right away Amy started utilizing her skills very effectively. She reminded me to go to the bathroom and got me water and refills, she encouraged me to take care of anything that was stressing me out, like arrangements for the kids which weren’t finalized. Without her I’d probably just lie there on my side with my body pillow (because that’s my go-to position) not being proactive. But she would encourage me to try something new for a few contractions, then have me rest some more. I’d sit on the birth ball and lean back slightly onto Christian which felt really really nice. She had me lift up my low-lying belly a bit during a contraction to help baby’s positioning. She used a rebozo blanket to apply some counter pressure on my hips and then later on hung it from the top of the door so I could hang with support in a squatting position to help baby’s positioning. I actually did feel baby shift down a bit when I hung. She even went out to help the kids get a snack so Christian and I could have some alone snuggle time because oxytocin - the love hormone- contributes to progression of labor! She said and did all the right things - and all of this really contributed to a smooth progression. I felt at ease mentally and physically and it helped pass the time and gave me new things to focus on. She complemented my husband’s support - didn’t replace it - and she was always at the ready, contributing to such a lovely experience! AND she even unexpectedly brought her nice camera to take photos - something I had always wanted. Amy was such a beautiful blessing - I’m sold on doulas ;)

By 12:30 or so I was feeling like we should have Christian drop the kids off at my friend’s house and then us leave for the hospital, as the intensity was building stronger and stronger. Contractions were coming 3-4 minutes apart and lasting a minute or so. Christian replied, “Let's wait two more contractions and then I’ll go”.  Those little suggestions helped me not rush too fast because ideally, the goal was to get to the hospital towards the end of labor and not too soon. Again, it was a blessing to have Amy with me especially with my mom not here so I wouldn’t be alone while Christian took care of things. Amy again suggested the perfect thing - this time to take a bath or shower while Christian was gone (it would be around 20 minutes). I almost didn’t want to move and get wet etc., but I took a shower and it felt so good! I contracted leaning against the shower ledge and also hands on my thighs leaning over, letting the water hit my lower back and then abdomen. Then when I got out, I had a contraction on all fours. Just as I was finishing getting dressed, Christian was home! Perfect! Amy grabbed an old towel for me so I could sit on it as we drove to the hospital in case my water broke, and then got in her car so she could meet us at the Army hospital, 30 minutes away.

Months ago when I started my prenatal visits at William Beaumont Army hospital, I was sad and disappointed at the older, crowded, more worn conditions of the hospital, as I had my last three kids at a nice newer hospital and visits in nice clinics with staff I liked. My first appointment at Beaumont at 11 weeks was not with a midwife I loved and the whole experience made me sad. Well, after I finally met with another midwife at Beaumont who I just really clicked with - Valerie Topp - that changed the whole experience for me. She treated me like a daughter - she was so loving and friendly. Then later the doulas told me that Beaumont was probably the most natural birthing-friendly hospital in El Paso. That gave me a lot of confidence too. So even though I was a little nervous to have to drive 30 minutes away while in the throes of labor, I was hopeful the hospital experience would be good - and I wasn’t disappointed :)

The drive to the hospital went by so quick (not sure if it was Christian’s speed he was driving or how I was coping :) but even with the literal bumps I was in a good place. Amy had suggested weeks ago that I plan to listen to something with headphones as we drove and I knew if I just retreated inward I would be fine. I first listened to David Archuletta’s “My little Prayer” a couple times as it has felt like a very sacred and comforting song to me. I got emotional listening to it as it reminded me of my Father’s love and providing care and His Son’s grace that would be provided me. Then because I didn’t want to be stuffy and runny-nosed as I was trying to breathe in a relaxed way, I transitioned to my hypnobirth track “Relaxation” which guides me through progressive relaxation and was so perfect at helping me feel peaceful.

I would say my coping method of choice in preparation for and during labor was definitely Hypnobirthing. I have been interested in Hypnobabies as well and without buying any curriculum, I explored it a bit this time, downloading and listening to the free track from their website, “Instantly Calm”. I feel like Hypnobabies is more focused on deeper hypnosis training and has more resources to listen to and practice with before and during labor. Establishing an automatic relaxed response to the cue word “Peace” from that free Hypnobabies track was really helpful for me. In fact, that’s what I liked Christian to say during contractions, was “peace”, with a steady, firm hand on my shoulder. As for Hypnobirthing, the book and audio tracks (which are all I’ve used, I’ve never took a class although I know it would be very helpful) seem more simplified, focusing on progressive body relaxation, deep, slow breathing and working with your uterus’ contractions. Both methods essentially aim to help you achieve the same relaxed, peaceful and fear-free birth. I can’t say enough good things about hypo-training for birth. Even if you have an epidural, it can help your early labor go quicker and smoother, it will help you with the stresses and fears of pregnancy and labor/delivery, discomforts with breastfeeding, and those miserable after pains that just get worse with each kid :/ Not to mention the plethora of other stresses we deal with on a day to day basis. I use the cue word “peace” to help me relax as I’m driving.

Other things I did to prepare was listening to positive affirmations or reviewing my written ones daily, walking and yoga, and for baby’s positioning: sitting on my birth ball (which really helped too when I was having lower pelvic nerve spasms), sleeping on my left-side as much as I could and trying to remember to sit upright as often as I could rather than reclined. I also ate six dates a day from 36 weeks on in a yummy smoothie because of this research about its effect on quick labors. The daily smoothie was probably my favorite preparation of all (I bought a big tub from Sam’s club like this, then each day I'd take six dates and pit and chop them up then microwave them in a little water for 1 min. 45 sec or so, so they'd blend up easier, then I blended them with ice, milk, yogurt and fruit (or bananas and a spoonful of peanut butter - so good).

Outside the hospital entrance.

We got to the hospital a little before 1:30 p.m. Contractions were now 2-3 minutes apart and at least a minute long. I am usually a speed-walker, passing people in an almost competitive way that reminds me of running a race :) But this time I was very slow and measured in my walking. We got to the elevators along with a larger group of people. One lady looked at me and said to my doula and Christian with a wise smile, “She’s ready”. She looked at me and said kindly, “it will be over before you know it”. That got me emotional because I knew it was true. We walked into the elevator and Christian protected me in the corner of the crowded space and thankfully it was only one floor up. We got off and I started getting a little teary again. Amy asked me how I was feeling and I expressed to her that it was overwhelming to think of what was coming. Mostly happy, but a little trepidation. So many emotions!! We checked in, and I always think it’s funny how they ask, “are you being induced?”, and other questions when they have no idea how close I am to delivering a baby! Thankfully check in was quick and I only had to wait a few minutes in the waiting room. I stood and leaned against Christian, wrapping my arms around his neck and pressing my head into his neck and shoulder as contractions hit.

We were checked in by 1:30 and in the triage room. I told myself on the way to the hospital I could be in the 5 cm range and I’d be okay. No matter where I was at, I knew labor could move ahead very rapidly at any time, so I’d be okay with it. Well, when the midwife checked, she said, “If I’m feeling this right, and I think I am, this is a 7.5 or 8”. Wow! The furthest along I’ve been at check in with any of my kids. I’d take it! :)

I got into the delivery room around 1:45 and it was go-time. They dimmed the lights which was a request I had in my birth plan. I don’t like to seem demanding so birth plans feel out of my comfort zone but my doula encouraged me to fill one out and with her advocacy in the hospital room, little things were done - like the lights - which contributed to such a satisfying birth. When I got into the hospital bed, Amy gave me a peanut ball which was available in the room. It is used for advancing dilation and baby’s positioning for women laboring in bed. Since I do well laboring by relaxing on my side, it was perfect. Within 30-40 minutes or so the contractions were coming at an intensity that was no doubt transition. I was feeling moderate nausea during peaks of the contraction, my legs were shaky, my arms even started getting a little tingly, and I was getting more flushed and sweaty. During the last twenty minutes I got more vocal too, which isn’t bad at all! In fact, you’re encouraged to be uninhibited, but with my inhibited nature it doesn’t come as naturally. I was moaning through them, sometimes grunting a little as I could feel baby descending a bit or because I felt like throwing up, and my pleads for help began as the contraction would begin. I pled for Christian and Amy to help me, and eventually asking my Heavenly Father for help out loud. At some point the doctor came in - I thought I’d be delivered by a midwife - but she was wonderful. She was a big, beautiful, happy lady who smiled a lot and along with the nurse, kept emphasizing how this was my story and my labor, not theirs. They would follow my lead and I just needed to tell them when I wanted to be checked, when I wanted to push, if I wanted my water broken, etc. The nurse even said this reminded her of her labors as she had four without medication. What a supportive team! Wow! We were so happy and impressed with all the positivity in the room.

Using the peanut ball

I’ve had mild tearing with all my previous kids and I’ve also never felt a strong, overwhelming urge to push. Those things made me wonder if there was a better way to push besides just going for it as soon as I’m completely dilated. Also with my last baby I was a little overwhelmed by the sensations of baby exiting my body and I wanted a more calm and patient pushing experience. After about an hour in the delivery room I started feeling baby descend a little more but still had only mild pushing urges, but I wanted them to check me again. I was at a 10 and ha, to heck with being patient - I wanted to start pushing! :) My water hadn’t broken and I asked if that would help and they said that baby would slide right out, but my contractions would get stronger. I wanted it done. Everyone came into the room. I remember glancing to my side and seeing the guy by the baby warming bed and I thought, they’re getting ready for the baby to come out right now! Crazy! I also wanted to try pushing on my side because of this research that it reduced tearing and it felt pretty comfortable too, I just needed someone to support my leg and let me push against them when it was time. They also used a warm compresses on the perineum which I asked for in my birth plan, which has been shown to reduce tearing. With the next couple contractions I did some gentle pushing but then I just went for it even though I wasn’t feeling an intense urge - vocalizing that crazy pressure and brief burning of the head emerging.

Pushing on my side. Look how hard I'm gripping Christian's arm ;)

“We see his head!” They said excitedly.

The contraction ended, he retracted a bit and I said disappointedly, “but he didn’t come out!”  

“But he’s right there!” They reminded me.

I went for it again during the next contraction, but gave up steam a little. "But it burns!” I said defeatedly. At this point you just have to let it happen - to surrender fully - to give your trust to God that you’re not going to split in half, but let this final, most spectacular moment occur. On the next push his head came out, then some more pushing and his shoulders!

“Look down! Do you want to grab him?” The doctor excitedly offered.

I shifted onto my back and I got my first view of baby. My first thought was, his nose looks more like Evelyn. I reached down and took his surprisingly tiny, slippery body and pulled his legs out of me and his body up onto my belly. He was here! Then came that rush of emotion - more than with any other kids I’ve had so far, “Oh baby you’re here! I love you!” I cried with tears coming and love and joy and relief gushing. He was still connected to the cord so I couldn’t pull him up too far, but I got to just hold and love him instantly! I loved that!! They waited until the cord completely stopped pulsing and dad cut it. The placenta came out quick and they commented how nice and healthy the cord and placenta looked. He was nourished very well in there. Then the best shocker or the day, the doctor examined me and said, “she’s intact”.

“I didn’t tear??” I asked in amazement and they confirmed I didn’t. Hallelujah! It has been so nice to not deal with all that comes with stitches and healing. Immediately I got to hold my baby on my chest and they didn’t take him away for over an hour. They cleared out quickly and within ten minutes of birth it was nice and quiet. Bliss.

15 minutes after the birth

I was SO happy how it all went. It’s all about support and love - that makes the experience. As for having an epidural-free birth - I went through an intense time of  forming my opinions on it which were influenced by the positive experiences of my mother-in-law and sister-in-law, the epidural complication I had when Claire was born, and the confidence that I totally CAN do it. Also, with the positive research on its connection to having quicker labors with less complications and interventions and the powerful religious analogies tied to going through intense and difficult experiences - I’m sold. Even though during the last two hours of labor I start thinking, “Why would anybody do this to themselves?” and “I’m a little jealous of women who get to relax pain-free until they have a baby in their arms!” :) Those thoughts were just cues to me that the baby was almost here. The doula’s presence and support was more than enough to give me the motivation that I was for sure doing it this way. And I will admit, my last three have been easy, uncomplicated labors. I haven’t had back labor or a sunny-side up baby or pitocin or other things that make it more difficult. I can’t say what I would do in those situations, but in my own experiences, the intensity has made the birth even more beautiful for me and the feeling of accomplishment of doing something really hard makes it even more satisfying.

My awesome doula Amy

For those interested in how I coped with the “pain” or in the hypnobirthing world, “pressure” or “intensity”, that’s just it. It’s how you think about your experience that makes all the difference - even the words you use. My birth plan asked that the nurse not ask me about my pain level during the actual labor but comfort level instead. Suffering is a subjective experience. You may experience pain, but you don’t have to suffer. At times I felt I was able to disassociate myself from the sensations, envisioning the dissonant waves floating over and past me. BREATHING is huge - deeply and slowly and complete relaxation, with verbal reminders to relax places that look tight. For many other unmedicated moms out there, lying still sounds like torture, but for me with hypnobirthing it’s what works. I really liked the affirmation that the contractions aren’t stronger than me because they are me and their strength is a sign of my strength. I also have read a number of natural birth stories where the women didn’t use hypnobirthing and seemed to have a hard time surrendering to the experience. They were fighting contractions, there was a lot of fear and thus there was too much fight-or-flight going on in their bodies which doesn’t help progression. In so many of those stories, they finally got to the point where they realized they needed to surrender, and that’s when the baby finally comes. Hypnobirthing seems to help you get to that place much earlier. Instead of fighting the contraction, let it wash over you and ride its wave. Another thing was that contractions can feel overwhelming and out of your control which is scary, but I reminded myself that I could control how limp and relaxed I was in response and that gave me back some control of the situation. The whole experience for me is a triumph over fear. I was afraid of having fearful thoughts during labor but I reminded myself that when they usually pop up, that’s just a sign that baby is almost here. Instead of fearing negative thoughts and fighting their presence, I can just acknowledge them and then let them pass by without giving them any power. Mindfulness is another aspect of relaxation and birth and something I want to study more in-depth. Don’t think, just be in the moment and let God do his miracle. Again, regardless of epidural or not - these tools contribute to better mental health throughout our life and are things we can teach our children.

I am beyond grateful to God and His Son Jesus Christ. I give them the glory forever to allow us to be co-creators with Him to advance the Plan of Salvation in the lives of His children. Bearing a child is just the beginning of a lifetime of bearing with our children in their struggles, but with God, there is no reason to fear. It helps me to remember that we can’t prevent all their suffering - in fact, struggle is crucial to our mortal experience and our brains are wired for it, we just need to help our children always feel worthy of love and belonging from us and their Heavenly Father and they will be okay. I can do that.

Evelyn's birth story
Clark's birth story
Clarie's birth story